No Time Four Tear

NoTime4Tears...was my original shorthand.  Then this typo "four"  became the extension of my thoughts about the 4th R: Reflection and the struggle I have always had with taking the time to slow down and focus. The words in my head always saying there is no time.

A few posts back I reflected on the now missing connections in my day-to-day that I need to fix.  My brain seems to hear that neural integration in the heart of health but when I try to just stop and breathe it literally hurts. 

It is this fourth element of life for which I have had no training and anxiety and fear have dominated. Oddly I do seem to have a strong sense of 'empathy' and it is reflection on what brings me to tears that I think may help me realize that there was true intent by our forefathers use of the phrase 'pursuit of happiness'.  As a book in my Sociology 100 course (not to be confused with The Pursuit of Happyness - a truly awe inspiring memoir story by Chris Gardener)-- what was my take-away? who wrote that slim red covered somewhat controversial book? My memory not revealing much more than shallows. All too common.

Anyway, today my take-a-way is the reach, concurrently, pursuit of happiness as a construct (with readings like this) and a practice (learning mindUp stuff) while developing the elements of MeanWhile (that whole  no linear communication, dramatic presentation idea floating around in my broken brain)  to accomplish what it is I was meant to...of course, before I forget.  (tongue in cheek).

home

Today my home was a seen as a place of piece and opportunity.  Sharing it will make the world a little more comfortable for those soon to be under this roof. It feels very right.

I am reminded of my favorite childhood book:  The Family Nobody Wanted.  I understand thanks to Google that it is released with an epilogue by Helen Doss that updates the family's progress since 1954.  This now must be on my to be read list.

The Rene & Nonna Wellek books I purchased through Powell's arrived.  It seems that it is time to take some pleasure in reading.  Especially fitting on what appears to be Banned Book Week: Sept 24 to Oct 1.  I wish I had realized this designation of the week sooner as this is something our Community Access Station should rally around.

Today I subscribed to NYMAG and posted in 911 Collected Works What about the Movie: Severe Visibility by Paul Cross? This movie handles, in a profoundly compassionate way, the tensions felt by patriotic Americans that question the transparency of government.  Or maybe there is not room in the NY selection for patriots that share the sadness of loss, pride in responders and soldiers; but have doubts about the roots of terrorism.

Collected Works is a well done tribute collection.  Very honorable in it presentation; respectful within the selection of traditional media.

Saturday, my day was full of interruptions due to disclaimers and disassociations with the decision to guarantee the distribution of this movie in my community. 

I believe that if this type of FreeSpeech , speech thoughtfully rendered, is discredited;  then Free Speech will become just the parlance of 'whack-o' esque types -- that exercise their rights by name calling, ranting and self-promotion. 

If Free Speech is an excercise in defeat at the get; what does the future of democracy hold?

Kudoes Mr. President

Loved the mixed media presentation. Loved the Call to Action.  Loved the short and long term elements. Loved the priorities set.  Loved the Common Ground established by the selection of the Job Act Components. 

I value the idea that the President can lead by example on the idea of Common Ground.  It is rare that a person in power; facing the politics and hypes of the day, can hold true to ideals of democracy with such Grace. 

It is now time to PASS THIS BILL.

The Right Tone 9|11 10 years later

There is lots of Special Media coverage about the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. The themes range from “Where are they now? to “What do you remember of that day?” with a few ‘in-depth” reports on health & well-being of survivors. In commercial television the question of ‘not to appear to be exploiting the events for financial gain’ is the primary challenge. But for Community Access Channels the question to be asked is “What does the public believe about the events of 9/11?” With the bountiful programming on the truths of devastation; there is little mass media attention given to ideas that raise questions about the ‘truths’ about the devastations root cause.

The heartfelt sadness over the loss that day and each day in subsequent acts of war are where; as the President often says “Americans share a common ground.” But the principals of democracy are also where we are to share a common ground and in this regard – the freedom to question or inform on the root cause of this need for national grief is vital to our nationhood.

Public Television will commemorate the 10th anniversary of 9/11 with programs honoring the heroes, victims, and enduring spirit of New Yorkers. Public Access television will represent the community and diversity of ideas to the extent content was developed or acquired by citizens of Wallingford.

Sometimes it is challenging to sift out what is myth, magic, conspiracy or transparency in the information available today. Someone who is willing to die for the right to think and say what one wishes – could feel compromised if that means enabling someone who passionately holds facts and concerns about conspiracy to distribute such views. Similar challenges arise with Hate Speech – is there a line to be crossed or drawn? But the American idea of Free Speech assumes that it is not ‘allowing people to promote ideas & dialogue about concerns’ that weaken the bonds of society – not the speech itself.

WPAA-TV is dedicating the date 9/11 to 9/11 related content from 9AM to Midnight. The content includes information about Holy Joes Café, Yellow Ribbons, poems, etching, songs, bells, bagpipes, services, photographs as well as a Movie: Severe-Visibility written and directed by Paul Cross. This movie handles, in a profoundly compassionate way, the tensions felt by patriotic Americans that question the transparency of government. It can stand alone as a Movie – with a conspiracy theory theme. However, It is based on a true personal account –following his look at the Pentagon crash site one day after the attack.

It was also produced on a low budget and is a benchmark for excellence for local producers seeking to tell a compelling story, whatever the topic. Whether you believe the U.S. Army Major in this story is a hero or anti-hero the movie may be just what you need to see to determine what it is you can allow yourself to believe about 9|11.

The 90 Minute Movie Severe-Visibility will play Sept 11 at 9:30 AM; 6:30 PM, 9:00PM and 10:30 PM WPAA-TV. WPAA-TV is available in Wallingford on Comcast 18, statewide on ATT-99 and on the Internet at WPAA.TV

Reoccurring Realizations and Rain

‘Ah, that is what I was doing.’ The voice in my head says ‘you should count these’, these times that you were lost & found. Then the idea passes. Counting that is, immediately distracted by how familiar this eureka, what was once mere recall, seems over the most mundane of things: cat food cans open, tea in microwave, shoes in room x, list on table b, vitamin on the counter, stove on…with unmonitored scary outcomes, lights left burning. Sometimes the smells call me back to the kitchen. And I fear that more times, will be alarmed for smoke, if I do not get more connected. Yes I think the issue is staying connected.

When I try to speak of these instances of forgetfulness, the ‘me too stories’ of misplaced keys, missed b’days or late recall of appointments are instant retorts from the listener. And I know that it is common to forget – maybe due to excessive busyness or poor list management; but when is being ‘disconnected’ from what you are doing become outside of the understandable. What is the benchmark, the count? What is not common?

My son suggests it is not a topic for jest, or discussion. It is not real – this loss of mindfulness. My partner – jests. He shares the room and the life that will become more unknown to me and he too does not want this to become more real.

I have a T-shirt and bumper sticker that says “I do what the Voices in my head tell me”. In jest, the retort is it would be a better imprint if it said “I do what the Voices in my head remember to tell me”. Lists I try them. Forget them. They find different places like cell phone and keys and those documents made specifically to not go in such circles again. My life’s work was geared toward removing redundancy and now I feel captive to it.

The silver lining: I like the feeling of remembering ideas previously connected to. Not experiences so much. With ideas I rehearse remembering, the voice in my head repeating key phrases so that in the short term I will be able to engage in potentially engaging conversations. If too much time passes, and I am not certain what the duration is, these key phrases come back to me as sounds I cannot quite catch. Not quite the same as searching for a name to go with a face; it is more like a hum of words to a song that is familiar but you really do not know the lyrics. This happened to me before. When I tried to learn another language and when my Instructors had strong accents. One thing I do recall is this feeling associated with my Final Exam for Russian Literature.

As I try to recall – I think her name was Nona (it just came to me as I stretched into remembering) Welleck (spelling to be confirmed). She was particular taken with an author whose name began with a G. I was too; but without doing an Internet search I will not be able to tell you the author or the compelling interest. She was a young communist by lack of options. She was married to a significantly older man (maybe too due to lack of options) and they lived on St. Ronan St. (a street that holds some intrigue). He too was published and in many languages. He was employed by Yale and she was slumming teaching at SCSU. All this is shallows from a time that I ingested ideas and seemed full of excitement connecting literature, history and social relevance together. But not one of these bits of knowledge come to me…but I know if I see something in print I may feel a Eureka rush of recall – that will be like mist within no time at all.

I know the mind is capable of more. I see its elasticity and girth in the gifts of my son and partner and I vaguely recall such capabilities from my childhood. I know I scored incredibly high in mechanical aptitude (Military Entrance Exam) at 17 when my only exposure to such things was overheard conversations between my brothers & father at dinner. There was a time when I was connecting. I wanted to study Russian via immersion. Long ago assumptions of capability.

As I post I realize that this scribble has taken a few hours to construct and that I started it in the middle of the night because the rain was making me anxious: intense downpours, winds and thunder. I actually felt afraid...and wanted distraction. I am now hearing it again through the voices and I am tired...so I will go back to my pillow and wish intently for sleep.