Sips

when one opens
doors passed by in bygone days
inhales 
up-close a fragrance of Prosperity Roses 
teeters on that edge
a foothold in now

sips
a wine nuanced with bourbon barrels
being neither wine nor bourbon
being other
assertive by review and outcome

when one opens
doors in policy of equal chances
rising to the top
sinking to the bottom
flocculating peradventure
intimate and forgiving
carnality
a privilege 
stamen defunct 
musky with age a short blush 
decades rooted 
thus extroverted and demoded 
desired consequences flower
peak masterfully
among seductive
sips

It is the talk that lingers.

~~~~
The poem began as this .... Did it evolve or devolve with a day of attention.

when one opens
doors passed by in bygone days
sips
a wine nuanced with bourbon aged barrels,
being neither, being other, assertive
by review and outcome

doors, in policy of equal chances,
desired consequences
peak masterfully
among seductive
sips.

It is the talk that lingers.

Reoccurring Realizations and Rain

‘Ah, that is what I was doing.’ The voice in my head says ‘you should count these’, these times that you were lost & found. Then the idea passes. Counting that is, immediately distracted by how familiar this eureka, what was once mere recall, seems over the most mundane of things: cat food cans open, tea in microwave, shoes in room x, list on table b, vitamin on the counter, stove on…with unmonitored scary outcomes, lights left burning. Sometimes the smells call me back to the kitchen. And I fear that more times, will be alarmed for smoke, if I do not get more connected. Yes I think the issue is staying connected.

When I try to speak of these instances of forgetfulness, the ‘me too stories’ of misplaced keys, missed b’days or late recall of appointments are instant retorts from the listener. And I know that it is common to forget – maybe due to excessive busyness or poor list management; but when is being ‘disconnected’ from what you are doing become outside of the understandable. What is the benchmark, the count? What is not common?

My son suggests it is not a topic for jest, or discussion. It is not real – this loss of mindfulness. My partner – jests. He shares the room and the life that will become more unknown to me and he too does not want this to become more real.

I have a T-shirt and bumper sticker that says “I do what the Voices in my head tell me”. In jest, the retort is it would be a better imprint if it said “I do what the Voices in my head remember to tell me”. Lists I try them. Forget them. They find different places like cell phone and keys and those documents made specifically to not go in such circles again. My life’s work was geared toward removing redundancy and now I feel captive to it.

The silver lining: I like the feeling of remembering ideas previously connected to. Not experiences so much. With ideas I rehearse remembering, the voice in my head repeating key phrases so that in the short term I will be able to engage in potentially engaging conversations. If too much time passes, and I am not certain what the duration is, these key phrases come back to me as sounds I cannot quite catch. Not quite the same as searching for a name to go with a face; it is more like a hum of words to a song that is familiar but you really do not know the lyrics. This happened to me before. When I tried to learn another language and when my Instructors had strong accents. One thing I do recall is this feeling associated with my Final Exam for Russian Literature.

As I try to recall – I think her name was Nona (it just came to me as I stretched into remembering) Welleck (spelling to be confirmed). She was particular taken with an author whose name began with a G. I was too; but without doing an Internet search I will not be able to tell you the author or the compelling interest. She was a young communist by lack of options. She was married to a significantly older man (maybe too due to lack of options) and they lived on St. Ronan St. (a street that holds some intrigue). He too was published and in many languages. He was employed by Yale and she was slumming teaching at SCSU. All this is shallows from a time that I ingested ideas and seemed full of excitement connecting literature, history and social relevance together. But not one of these bits of knowledge come to me…but I know if I see something in print I may feel a Eureka rush of recall – that will be like mist within no time at all.

I know the mind is capable of more. I see its elasticity and girth in the gifts of my son and partner and I vaguely recall such capabilities from my childhood. I know I scored incredibly high in mechanical aptitude (Military Entrance Exam) at 17 when my only exposure to such things was overheard conversations between my brothers & father at dinner. There was a time when I was connecting. I wanted to study Russian via immersion. Long ago assumptions of capability.

As I post I realize that this scribble has taken a few hours to construct and that I started it in the middle of the night because the rain was making me anxious: intense downpours, winds and thunder. I actually felt afraid...and wanted distraction. I am now hearing it again through the voices and I am tired...so I will go back to my pillow and wish intently for sleep.

An idea, projects: Some visceral spontaneity, some hyperlink connectivity

What 20 more days without the daily bread anchor has revealed: I think I have an idea that can be actualized bringing much of my loose ends together to achieve my goals. TBD.

What is known:

• I definitely do not want 9-5 (actually 8-7) anymore, but I miss solving business flow puzzles and I do look at what is out there. This is important for several reasons among them being perspective.
• I have a home designed for young people but all my 20Somethings are now, elsewhere.
• I am committed to this community for at least another decade: ironically, just paid lifetime membership to the Wallingford Historical Society.
• I need a plan to underwrite some basic costs that has its own merits as good for me and others.
  

My to-do list from things set-aside to purse daily bread is long; it would have been scary to have seen it in list form while employed. It still is -- so I am still working it without committing it to a check-off format. Maybe I do not want to see it, maybe I do not want to be held hostage to it, maybe it is something my ADD/ADHD enables (or disables me) me to avoid. So my virtual list gets longer each day; especially when I follow Internet connections: Articles to read about things like Collective Intelligence. Videos to listen to with tidbits on non-profit management, editing. I could listen to TED all day long.

For example: I committed to producing video from the DryDock Musical Festival July16-17. 18 hours of capture, already 3 days of re-edit on the 1st 3 hours. This was a good list adjustment. Very enjoyable event. Potential for ongoing meaningful connections. Totally enjoying the work and relearning things in the process. While editing I thought -- could really use some B-roll of the towers. Dilemma: due I use these just found images to insert into the videos and re-render each 1 hour story in multiple formats...probably YES. Since the story is more important than the time. If I had a check-off list, I would need to checked UNDONE for these 3 hours of edit that I thought I finished last night a 9 pm. This is what hyperconnectivity does: provides opportunities but not always with the best timing (what the research is telling us).

My list also includes things ranging from weeding (Ivy has overtaken the property) to video documentaries (several projects here), to completing Dad's Probate Court tasks, to tiling the pool house kitchen (left in process in 2002), to reconstructing stone wall (this one can be checked off, but I keep finding stones to add). Also, Josiah brought the book Siddhartha home for me from his library, because I need less time at computer.

There is more ramblings in my head,,,but I want to get to some of the things on the list before the day gets too hot. But I should probably get that re-edit in process so the computer can be working while I am weeding.

BTW: my list now includes a Sunday Task of Filing with CT Unemployment - this task is now at week 3.

Meandering; some closure anticipated

So I have now experienced 3 unstructured weeks. For me unstructured means without 9 + hours a day committed to a day job with care of others sprinkled in between. In this state of anything can happen --- what did?

Anxiety caused me to seek the money saving efficiencies assumed critical for the next stage of survival. Annual savings derived:approx $2,000. Medical appointments were scheduled. Various areas of clutter were de-cluttered and several remain. I remained on task for the care of the animals within an hour of the schedule they expected. I increased movement in general. I experimented with healthier food choices. I avoided video editing projects that I knew could consume me until week 3. I researched a potential house for flipping and decided that location, location was not enough to overcome black mold and mosquitoes. I got some tasks done for my pet non-profit organizations but not more than I would or could have when employed.

I referred things I found to others...with positive hopes that something may manifest. Today I will try to accomplish a list of things. Maybe I will do lists for a week and see what limited structure yields.

Control -- lack of it causes stress, so redefine

A $2.00 fill-a-bag with books -- church rummage sale has given me much reading material which remains on the To-Be-Read list. I started with Ageless Body, Timeless Mind Deepak Chopra, MD. at the onset of this new beginning...totally oblivious to its potential relevance.

It has been a rewarding journey, thus far. I have reached the second half on practice. Not yet brave enough to venture from reading to doing given the current unsettled household. But I must say that there have been many references to fascinating research. Some literature as well. Of particular note as it rains and there is continuing news of rivers overflowing man devised controls in the daily news I am keenly aware from my shallows. I failed to connect the passage sans citation in my '71 HS yearbook as from Siddhartha. It is followed by my 1st published uncredited scrawling itself an odd renewed recollection of personal experience. I am certain there is a take-away. At the moment I just record.
I am only a ferryman, and it is my task to ferry people across the river. I have transported many, thousands; and to all of them, my river has been nothing but an obstacle on their travels. They traveled to seek money and business, and for weddings, and on pilgrimages, and the river was obstructing their path, and the ferryman's job was to get them quickly across that obstacle. But for some among thousands, a few, four or five, the river has stopped being an obstacle, they have heard its voice, they have listened to it, and the river has become sacred to them, as it has become sacred to me.


And each flake
Of snow
Intricately different
Yet not alone
Is carried on
By the wind
to the waiting ground
maybe to be plowed
forced in a mass
till death
maybe to be shaped into a man of snow with charcoal eyes
Maybe a single flake will melt into a world of its own
Each flake of snow intricately different yet not alone

...insert Henry David Thoreau here ...

You are you and I am I
If we meet it’s beautiful
If not
It’s because
You are you and I am I

I came in hope of finding a way to expand my own reflection, I have found a way to make it something more than what it was.

So far it seems like a really long Saturday with naps

So last Monday was the 1st Monday in 35 years that I did not have a job. It is much to get ones' head around.

I did not dump into this state of being gradually because my last employed days played out like all that came before: Compressed Project Timeline. Deliverables. Teamwork. Business Needs awaiting solutions. Unpaid Over-time. I am still unsure what my true feelings are about what I dubbed my Last Hurrah Project -- which connected decades of dots to re-engineer the subsystem I supported so that I would no longer be needed. I am satisfied with the product and the teamwork it took to get it done. I am unsettled in my feelings about the manner in which the scope & scheduling was handled. But it is past and I need to be more present so I can find the right future.

Part of the future will be noted here. So this is the simple start.

Finding a eureka

Let the data set change your mind set: Visualizing data fascinates me. Spreadsheets frustrate me.

I am still struggling with knowing what my choices will be when I can re prioritize my life: this is causing a bit of stress. I was thinking it may be fear of failure. The future will likely have less incremental closures as projects end; but who am I kidding in the corporate world projects never did end, because you were forever SME. Since the documentation cycle always was eclipsed by the demands of next project, documents did not serve others just you -- the interpreter. It seems I have decades of work to document down-size. I hope I come away with a product and solid experience with some of the newer tools with the last large daily bread project which has all the things that make projects fail -- and one expert. Not worth my minutes documenting that here.

I need to investigate how others sensing the clutter and overwhelming nature of data are compressing it into knowledge: digitization with meta data, info-maps, visualization tools like Google Analytics. I what to play with the combination of eye & word communication with enough intensity & focus to find a eureka.

decision 9.9.10

So maybe you have heard – but now you are hearing from me:
I have decided to retire and will be leaving WellPoint no earlier than May 1 but no later than June 30. If that sounds like pseudo code, it is only fitting.
I characterize this change as from WellPoint to Wellness.

March 2011 will be my 31 year anniversary. For someone planning to be in a corporate-like job for only 2 years that is a long run.

Who knew that the non-profit job at BCBS of CT would become, well, so corporate. Retirement for me will not be leisure. I have many community initiatives to partner with as a volunteer. So I will be working the same mission – to improve the lives of the people I serve and the health of my communities. I will continue to work with teams of generous and committed people like you (maybe including some of you) who try to make a difference every day.

a skill, a tool, a risk

editing:a skill, a tool, a risk and maybe the cornerstone of my retirement. Yes I have decided. I have not slept. It is raining gently. Josiah is off to Burning Man in Nevada in a few hours. And I am heading toward wellness. 5:30 am and the dogs have been walked and fed. A skunk required us to take an alternate walking plan. Through the sleepless night I was smiling. In the light drizzle I sang out it is a beautiful morning. The rain is coming down harder now. Through the night I kept flashing on the good connections in our lives that made the TV station happen beyond expectations and knowing that in this success there is also the promise that we can do it for ourselves as well.

Today I edit my life. It is a risk. Maybe I will find my story.

Note: this line was removed from a document 2 nights ago that I was working on with a team of committed volunteers. It was a good session. The end product is more than the sum of its parts. Again I smile. It is nice to do.

Hugs are back,too.

consuming but MUCH more rewarding

So I am hearing or rediscovering more trigger phrases that deserve exploration or commitment via this space but the next few months are still designed as Overload: Transitions, renovations, new and discovery. A few technology bumps...much relearning, and interesting challenges like making TV with thumbprint digital images.

Much of what I am accomplishing is with my grown children and others like them whose mothers I have yet to meet.

If children do not believe that you care, they will not care what you say,,,,

It is great to see values grow into accomplishment; especially, in the service of others.

Good Friday - No Fool this April

Making some changes.
Making and thereby doing.
Making connection in the service of others.
Making a legacy.
Making a difference.

To the passive aggressive self professed benevolent dictator - not your patsy any more.

Transparency,,,here we come.

Mute Button no longer clickable.