Tuesday, February 28, 2012

what day is it...

The question I ask, more accurately blurt out often,  is What day is it? 
Part of me feels there should not be a need to know; and then, there is the world of expectations and connections and schedules that make knowing a must.

I am no longer in a roll out of bed over to the in-house office mode. I am logged in much of the time - but I have not set up an on-line calendar nor effectively mastered the array of to-dos, meetings time et. al. as I determine my own life agenda.  Maybe I should re-establish an on-line calendar. Or, maybe I need a pattern of behavior that enables me to check each day and its *... because I am now on hold pending an explanation to a stranger about my lack of calendar management.  But I have had the most enjoyment in the loss of time, the meandering into new knowing and exploration of the talents and ideas of others. 

*What is the its of these days: accomplishments, tasks, metrics, lists monitoring what I ate, or weight not lost, or minutes not walked or water not drunk... yes it appears I have gotten into a slump of things missed ... so what have I done with my days? 

As I try to recall the last few weeks:  There was tax preparation and the failure of the filing key code and then the last year's filing discrepancy notice to be researched. There was sorting four bookcases of books to put like books together, and redistribute some to other, and to set aside a few for re-reading. There was making of a few digital artsy things with some new tools (some I nearly forgot I acquired.) There was lots of catching up on the filing of things save to desktop (always and indication of disorder). There was lots of exploring of content (I would need to look at all the new Favorites -- a list of my wanderings for clues about the what got my attention.) There were a few extended family tasks. Finding a dead raccoon in the backyard. Preping lots of pictures of Vermont and Gramps for the yet to be video.

And there was asking people to recommend me awkwardness.  Lots of jobs you may be interested in lists and recruiter inquiries and a resume, rebuild. I watched the AARP video on this topic after working my resume to determine a few disenchanting things. Another post for my thoughts on that topic.  But mostly watched this video like so many others to absorb what works and doesn't in the communication and the strength of the content. Pretty nice job.

The most major recent life change is trying to  take antihistamines daily again after nearly 5 years sans medication.  I think I have failed at daily because once the headaches pass I realize more than a day has also passed.  There are always up and down sides to medications; but anticipating employment outside of the home I felt a need to improve my tolerance for the smells of peopled places.

(Interrupt) No longer on hold. No explanation just business. The state employee has lots of people to process. I have that voice that is not easy to hear because of medication side-effect. I call it a cold. The challenged voice causes some customer service fatigue.  Then another On Hold ending with a confirmation that I can be conunted in the metrics of the sluggish economy again.

In conclusion, I wonder again about the duplicity of joy in the lack of accounted for time and the sense of loss or maybe worthlessness when I can not make a proper accounting of such time.  Will this be forever or will I get another corporate calendar or will I fully embrace the freedom to find what it is I am here for. 

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