MAN IN THE PARK

Edgerton Park, New Haven, Oct. 1992 (a true story)

Man in the park

shares a bench, feels a breeze, hugs

the landscape.

the sun, warm.
~ the companion fine and fair.

birds whistle, small creatures

are watchful

Man in the park

approaches a bench, feels the heat, hugs

the high hedge.

the sun, light.
~ the companion far too fair.

birds take flight, small creatures

are watchful

Men in the park

embrace, dust clouds the sky, hugs

at the ground

the sun, burns.
~ the companion ashen in despair.

birds caw, small creatures

are watchful 

~ the park.
A bench. No breeze relieves the heat, hugs

through a gun --

the sun, blisters. 
~ the companion, innocent dare.

birds migrate, small creatures

are watchful

Each season returns

the park to the man.

~~~
Decipher: A white man buys a gun to use when he comes upon the unacceptable. In a city park enclosed with very high hedges that he has chosen to make his home he comes upon a man of a different color talking to a women he would consider pursuing as his own. He clears the way for his intentions with a gun shot to the other man's stomach. He gets 30 years behind bars. The other maintains a fragile, distant inter-racial friendship because he survives the surgery. Both friends have 'a day in the park' PTSD. 

Being Better than we use to be

Ironically found this note written in 2005 to a family member; it could have been written this month to a different family member. 

This is not judgement it is merely identification of the realities of relations at home.

Deception/ Disrespect/Disregard

-         so impersonal that we suggest family meetings

-         plan to save, but lifestyle of spend

-         secrecy

-         intentional distractions, misrepresentation 

-         filth

-         insertion of your being into time and space with ‘me’ attitude

-         intentional disregard of request that are made for everyone’s health & safety

-        debt calls – unmanaged thereby causing others to be bombarded by them

-         blame for things in your control

Two years of underwriting saving you rent & utility and helping with vehicles all we got was a Hot Tub that cost us maintenance & upkeep for a decade thereafter and Hot Attitude. 

From my phone

Can I do a poem a day? Unlikely since I failed at a poem a month.

Open messages
In unspoKen
Exchanges

Hot. Avoidance
Of adulthood
Heaves.

Lungs
Collapse. Motion
less.

Tomb sealed.

Anything for your child; Not knowing what "anything" should be. I tried.

Once you have been a mother, you will never not be a mother again.

The mother in each of us can leak out because we feel a responsibility to all children. It takes a village. Indeed.  

Years ago I read about young mothers choosing childbirth because they so needed 'love'. Today's 30-something gals are more likely to choose a dog. How do we support the journey of girls between ages 15 and 30? How do we help child mom's; especially, those who believe "I will do anything for my child": create a healthy and nurturing, not smothering in MY love, experience?

From one study, here is how those who wanted to be young mother's explain the want: Of those who had wanted to become pregnant, more than half gave reasons that reflected their desire for a baby--e.g., "I like babies, having something that's mine," "I like children a lot, and at least with that, I will entertain myself" and "It's weird, but something or someone is telling me to have a baby. My mom can't take care of me, so I will have one to be a better mom and show her how to take care of her kids."  ... the "time was right" to begin their family.

Raising children well is a challenge for all families. Where challenges of mental health already destabilize, the impact can be life-long. Good Mental Health partners well with good parenting and good support systems. Pestered by voices in my head taunting "walk the talk" I tried to overcome inertia and be supportive within my immediate village. All I can say now is:

Dear Brother, 
You were an anchor in more lives than you knew, not that your blunt for breakfast approach to life made you a super-star; but, I do believe it contributed to your ability to keep your cap on the "voice of rage" which all our family members have. What we did understand is that you loved the wind against your face, the visceral real of life which you left behind before turning 40, and your daughter. 

You left behind a daughter in a very unstable world; a world that could not logistically and legally be supplanted. We 'the family' all pretty much gave in to inertia. Swimming against her tide was complicated by the arrival of another man's child, her half but everything in the world to me, brother. Some of us occasionally checked-in, bought an essential gift, made a cash contribution, connected enough to be known but never know what we could not bare to see. We were the 'other' way of life and reminders that daddy was gone. For her mom, we were cash-cows, resources that could be culled into magical appearances for birthdays and emergencies.

As the years go by, your brothers in their own way try to extend a hand until they ultimately disown, disavow and dismiss.  I stayed clear until the passing of our Dad forced me as Executor of his Estate to reengage. In his fairness world-view which was his heart you lived on in your daughter. 

Your brother's were right. They feared a distribution to her, being you, would be throwing good after bad. They were certain that maturity was absent and wants too great. It took a few months for the small windfall from Dad's estate to evaporate with no residual good.

~~ As we age we try to be wiser, a tricky business. Some of us seek some illusive meaning to life and think about life already gone; thus you Dear Brother become an anchor in our unfinished lives. 

Today I post this late to you: My Valentine. All I can say is "I tried."  

After 2+years my voice raised for 30 seconds showing me that time had run out on trying. The universe was again weighing heavily with mysterious illogical 'anything' of a baby mommy.

I sense a poem in my head that is too snarky to write. It is the pain and hurt of my failure to be an extension of your shoulder, your smile and your grand daddy-ness possibilities for a child born from a hole in your daughter's heart. There have been good words delivered with hugs and food and shelter and cash. But it is the words of a parent that I wish they could hear, her and the baby-daddy; from the you I knew and she imagines wrongly.

I tried, truly. I awaited the apology of changed behavior knowing the mountain of pride she holds is very much you in her. That pride and a firmly entangled misappropriation of motherhood is a wall I am not willing to batter my head against any longer. I have other things to get on track which I put on hold in love of you.

I will hold out hope for changed behavior. I will know the gifts of stories and walks and pets and time will be memories and with your heavenly intercession, more.  

I tried, dear brother, with love.

The Common Good | Not Mine. Not Yours. Ours. The Dog.

Today my pets are no longer shared. They will get more consistent and better care. My home will also get more consistent care.  I will not wait for others to clean up after themselves.  Amenities where possible will be removed from those who have not earned them or fail to appreciate sacrifices that made them possible. 

The dog is getting old and finicky about his food. He has taken to pulling what he wants the out of his bowl and leaving remnants of bones and food on the floor. He has gotten leftovers of all sorts from everyone and often decides to leave much of it behind in his bowl. Good care consists of cleaning up after him twice a day and not putting the new food over old food in his dish. The seven year old puts new food over old food often when instructed each morning to 'Feed Jake.' He does not engage with our pets out of joy. 

Collectively we all failed the dog. Between all of the us a clean food area was not provided daily and care was rarely done for love of a pet. There is often a mess on the floor. As an unwanted chore, it is often poorly executed. Me, the dog's owner has cleaned up the area several times when it has gotten beyond disgusting washing down the food area and the bowls. Maybe a time or two this was done by another - but ultimately it was never done lovingly. 

When you live with others there are some living spaces areas and some responsibilities that are common. Many routines that should be daily. Maintaining routines help with understanding boundaries and expectations for succeeding in a shared space. Failure to understand the concept of common good "the benefit or interest of all' is failure to succeed.

Upon entering into the 3rd year of an extended family living arrangement the question I pose is: What have you done to contribute to the greater good since we last got together (3 weeks ago)? The reply: the dishwasher many times, swept the kitchen floor, the animals, cleaned stove-top, brought out the trash, helped my partner prepare our dinner. For the past 2 years, the now seven-year-old, has been routinely helping with the dishwasher and helping to feed the inside animals to 'gain responsibility of pet ownership". So why do what the seven year old is already doing is my gut reaction to these reply; but left unsaid. I heard nothing that answered my question about 'common' or 'greater' good. 

The niece reply was an echo in text message: I have vacuumed, swept, swiffered the kitchen, cleaned up after the dog, cleaned the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms and tried to keep up with the stove and the sink. 

Everyone has different tolerances for cleanliness. In some households these replies would have been what people were to do everyday or at least once a week. And in reality cleaning up after yourself is not truly contributing to the common good. There was some urgency to cleaning of the upstairs bathroom and the mold that was growing and toilet paper use training for the child.

Bathroom cleanliness and disappearing toilet paper was discussed at the family meeting along with things like better understanding of schedules, our three year time-line and what our home accommodations would cost in the market. I observed that in two years nothing of significance was done for the property nor done routinely in caring for our home with a for example to try to land the point:  Do you know where the town dump is or the Recycling Center. The simple ways to contribute.  We discussed the cycling behaviors on many fronts including parenting practices that quite frankly scare me. 

I suggest consequences because enabling, supporting and conversing and more conversing has not worked. I declare l want to follow-up in 3 weeks and if it is same old same old you will be immediately be reacquainted with Laundromats and the 3 year limit would be real. We agreed to get together in three weeks to be sure the helped were on a path that may enable this arrangement to continue beyond three years. It was up to them. 

They never intended to participate in a family meeting again. They considered sincere communicating a bitch and complaint session. As they were doing nothing to keep up their end of the deal it was an easy mind set to get into. But these conversations included many scheduling issues like closing pool, holiday scheduled, child care support and trying to locate missing household items like silver or tupper-ware.

~~

This common arrangement began when a telephone call to my niece around Thanksgiving a few years ago. I said to my partner that maybe instead of helping strangers we could help family. I called to discuss her long range plans. This call had an unexpected immediate turn as it was revealed that her family was about to be homeless by Christmas. Instead of a conversation that may or may not have resulted in a arrangement the outcome became a generous support plan for her immediate family's future; a rescue from homelessness with full support for one year and near full support subsequently.

But this history has been rewritten in the minds of those who have been supported.   

We are now in a world where the baby-daddy has fallen into getting a low wage paying but full-time job so he is entitled to weekly card games with buddies, cigarettes, video games and sports on TV and the family car. The employment challenged mom is spending a dollar for this and that for craft projects (no recycle, reuse or plan philosophy), being the Boy Scout she was never allowed to be as a girl, birthday parties and creating the perception of a middle-class suburbia mom with requisite Facebook Selfies. 

There is no hustle to get to a better place in order to be self-sufficient. There is however room to blame those who floated the loan for the car tires and work clothes and school for the newest indebtedness which was essentially forgiven and being applied toward their well-being.

At the core of all of this is the seven-year-old boy who is becoming a child I may not want to meet on the street at age 13. And when all that he is becoming does emerge; severing this arrangement will be blamed not the failure to use this generosity to thrive.

In 26 months the question "What are you doing or can you do to contribute to the common good?" has been asked over and over. Contribution to the common good and maintaining one's path toward improvement was all that was asked of extended family. No money has been paid for the equivalent of a generously sized 2 bedroom apt. with amenities like cable laundry and all utilities market rate $1,250 base plus. 

The minimum goal of a common union of 36 months will either be modified amicably or painfully by the start of the next school year (32 months) because we are not family. 


The sad part is no real progress has been made but monstrous self-righteous-nous has been rooted. 

Read on 10/9/2018
The same page is difficult to reach from very different starting place. Facts never win the day.