It always comes down to not knowing what you do not know. Choice, be it the horse or the cart be it in-or-out of a box, sets a path on which to deploy tools & skills with experience and possibilities: the scientist or the artist.
In my A.D.D. I attempt both. I achieve occasional ha ha moments, random scribbles (like this blog) and most things left at 80 percent done. If no one is looking it matters not. If it matters not, then why do anything at all? The circle comes back around to choice and the immensity of the unknown.
As we begin to forget more than we know it becomes clearer that what holds us to our own meaning is the stories we choose for our narration.
I have come to realize I have abandoned much of my story. There is a trail of names; generic (Sullivan) and pseudo names (Adele Houston) wherein anonymity provided me with a perception safety.
Suddenly, it feels urgent to make right choices, to be resurrect from the scraps of recall and seek a fuller self-knowing. Is it here that the nexus of science and art can be achieved? Or will the 1,000 words begot by an image yield noise rather than understanding?
Tonight I wanted to sit and talk with Dag Hammarskjold about futility in devoted death; and 'Markings'. The Congo is full of babies groomed in rituals of illusion. Peace keepers have been among the people since his plane crashed in 1961. Murder is a rite of passage to a kingdom of peace. Futility loudly claims this timeline in the name of Allah, not oil.
'Destiny will be measured by courage.' echoes as the standard by which silence & evil will be overcome. I always saw silence as a dance partner with evil yet I indulged in it often to survive.
My personal irony is that self-doubt did fuel courage. Acts of resistance happen but my memories are so shredded that I can barely scribble my markings.
Kindled by --- VICE Terror in the Congo HBO
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Sunday, July 1, 2018
eXplore happenstance
Then I share.
I sipped Pinot from a paper cup
acidic and crisp
acidic and crisp
naturally left over from fallible
encounters of a communal kind.
encounters of a communal kind.
 |
| It began here |
the goods landed on available ears.
Open, prepubescent-ish
reflection
reflection
rolled into the next
embrace with knowing, what
I had yet to know
I had yet to know
Time shared.
To network.
Unleashed clouds to rain
what exactly?
Only the future can reveal ...
the limits of availability.
the limits of availability.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Wash Rinse Repeat
Gray Hair Announces Me: Senior Citizen Medicare Eligible
I have been told I am courageous to have long gray hair.
A Silver Sneakers friend asked "Is there a method to combing hair that long?" As I reflect I realize it is the same as life. Having the right tool is best. Start from the bottom in small sections (chunking). Other life lessons from living collaboratively with long hair is that an occasional trim of frayed ends refreshes the whole. Do not wash too frequently; it needs its own grittiness for full health. Most importantly ignore the marketing but learn from it and find your own authentic Wash-Rinse-Repeat.
Medicare Enrollment (Decisions to Make)
Medicare Enrollment marketing of me to me is constant. This birthday I will be 65. It is a culturally sensitive benchmark. I have a real life benchmark. As of March 2018 I reached my 40 years of 40 hours a month commitment. A secret goal, it became a way of life, a constant often anonymous commingling of life and service. Much of it has not been glamorous. Some of it has been risky. Much done with family. It continues each day.
I know it is best to make goals public to get a support network of cheerleaders to help you get the win. But honestly I do not think I would have had cheerleaders until I became a mom. It was a long game, and my life cycled through many variations with this one constant. In many ways it centered me when other things were in flux.
Without knowledge of this unstated goal my immediate family in all its iterations were by my side because "It was just stuff we do." In retrospect, my unilateral decisions collaterally impacted family. I believe there-in there was good all around.
As family, there were seven years of either Thanksgiving Day or Xmas Eve welcoming visitors at Goodwill Fantasy of Lights, nineteen years of being the Prison Chaplain Helpers, several community clean-up days from 4-H to local parks, and serving meals to homeless even on holidays. The list is endless. For me there were countless hours on mission statements, bylaws, policy, strategic plans and procedure documents. Then there was coordinating and/or covering events. And advocacy: preparing and giving testimony on housing, prison reform, capital punishment, gun control, recycling, energy conservation, voting rights, educational reform. Much of this in the six years as League of Women Voters (LWV) of New Haven President.
Why share now? Partly, because I wonder if I had been more transparent, could more good have been done? Partly, to thank two people who were steady partners in good works: my son all thirty three years from in-womb until now and twenty years with my husband. Partly, to say I am going to refocus a bit so what you expect of me may get a new twist. But mostly to say having it be " ...just stuff we do" has been a life giving gift to me. Thanks to those who shared this with me.
Some Back Story
I did not keep a written log. The first two years were working full-time in VISTA assigned to New Haven, CT. I do not count the 7 years as a foster mom as service -- that was joy. The last 5 years were contractual as full-time Executive Director of WPAA-TV.
The most challenging time to do this was during graduate school at age 50. I did my best to make this self-investment be deeper by leveraging school projects into community service. Example of leveraging were designing, deploying and maintaining the 7TownTV.org website. While this alliance has not been retained by those who succeeded my leadership in the scheme of things that does not matter. When it worked, it worked well.
During foster parenting years, I was in roles such as church treasurer and chairman of an all-volunteer TV station in a small town. Looking back, I cannot imagine how it all got done. There was always the more-than full-time job to do too because I was, as they say, the bread-winner.
Many seniors add or find less family-centric ways to serve their community. It is no longer about coaching their kids sports or participating in PTO fundraisers. It often takes on a more universal flavor. Some start new non-profits or fulfill lifelong ideas of making a difference come to life. Some find stipend work to supplement SSN. Whatever the reason it is enriching lives including their own. I am proud to be an ally.
For me service is going to remain one day, one engagement at a time wherever serendipity takes me. Why change now?
I have been told I am courageous to have long gray hair.
A Silver Sneakers friend asked "Is there a method to combing hair that long?" As I reflect I realize it is the same as life. Having the right tool is best. Start from the bottom in small sections (chunking). Other life lessons from living collaboratively with long hair is that an occasional trim of frayed ends refreshes the whole. Do not wash too frequently; it needs its own grittiness for full health. Most importantly ignore the marketing but learn from it and find your own authentic Wash-Rinse-Repeat.
Medicare Enrollment (Decisions to Make)
Medicare Enrollment marketing of me to me is constant. This birthday I will be 65. It is a culturally sensitive benchmark. I have a real life benchmark. As of March 2018 I reached my 40 years of 40 hours a month commitment. A secret goal, it became a way of life, a constant often anonymous commingling of life and service. Much of it has not been glamorous. Some of it has been risky. Much done with family. It continues each day.
I know it is best to make goals public to get a support network of cheerleaders to help you get the win. But honestly I do not think I would have had cheerleaders until I became a mom. It was a long game, and my life cycled through many variations with this one constant. In many ways it centered me when other things were in flux.
Without knowledge of this unstated goal my immediate family in all its iterations were by my side because "It was just stuff we do." In retrospect, my unilateral decisions collaterally impacted family. I believe there-in there was good all around.
As family, there were seven years of either Thanksgiving Day or Xmas Eve welcoming visitors at Goodwill Fantasy of Lights, nineteen years of being the Prison Chaplain Helpers, several community clean-up days from 4-H to local parks, and serving meals to homeless even on holidays. The list is endless. For me there were countless hours on mission statements, bylaws, policy, strategic plans and procedure documents. Then there was coordinating and/or covering events. And advocacy: preparing and giving testimony on housing, prison reform, capital punishment, gun control, recycling, energy conservation, voting rights, educational reform. Much of this in the six years as League of Women Voters (LWV) of New Haven President.
Why share now? Partly, because I wonder if I had been more transparent, could more good have been done? Partly, to thank two people who were steady partners in good works: my son all thirty three years from in-womb until now and twenty years with my husband. Partly, to say I am going to refocus a bit so what you expect of me may get a new twist. But mostly to say having it be " ...just stuff we do" has been a life giving gift to me. Thanks to those who shared this with me.
Some Back Story
I did not keep a written log. The first two years were working full-time in VISTA assigned to New Haven, CT. I do not count the 7 years as a foster mom as service -- that was joy. The last 5 years were contractual as full-time Executive Director of WPAA-TV.
During foster parenting years, I was in roles such as church treasurer and chairman of an all-volunteer TV station in a small town. Looking back, I cannot imagine how it all got done. There was always the more-than full-time job to do too because I was, as they say, the bread-winner.
Many seniors add or find less family-centric ways to serve their community. It is no longer about coaching their kids sports or participating in PTO fundraisers. It often takes on a more universal flavor. Some start new non-profits or fulfill lifelong ideas of making a difference come to life. Some find stipend work to supplement SSN. Whatever the reason it is enriching lives including their own. I am proud to be an ally.
For me service is going to remain one day, one engagement at a time wherever serendipity takes me. Why change now?
Inclusion must
The breaking of barriers must not get lost in noise or systematic frameworks. Our myopia created by our unique lens of our personal circumstances is a formidable barrier to carving a path for others like ourselves or unlike us, together.
We must find our own accountability and speak unmasked to those in leadership.
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