Meandering; some closure anticipated

So I have now experienced 3 unstructured weeks. For me unstructured means without 9 + hours a day committed to a day job with care of others sprinkled in between. In this state of anything can happen --- what did?

Anxiety caused me to seek the money saving efficiencies assumed critical for the next stage of survival. Annual savings derived:approx $2,000. Medical appointments were scheduled. Various areas of clutter were de-cluttered and several remain. I remained on task for the care of the animals within an hour of the schedule they expected. I increased movement in general. I experimented with healthier food choices. I avoided video editing projects that I knew could consume me until week 3. I researched a potential house for flipping and decided that location, location was not enough to overcome black mold and mosquitoes. I got some tasks done for my pet non-profit organizations but not more than I would or could have when employed.

I referred things I found to others...with positive hopes that something may manifest. Today I will try to accomplish a list of things. Maybe I will do lists for a week and see what limited structure yields.

Control -- lack of it causes stress, so redefine

A $2.00 fill-a-bag with books -- church rummage sale has given me much reading material which remains on the To-Be-Read list. I started with Ageless Body, Timeless Mind Deepak Chopra, MD. at the onset of this new beginning...totally oblivious to its potential relevance.

It has been a rewarding journey, thus far. I have reached the second half on practice. Not yet brave enough to venture from reading to doing given the current unsettled household. But I must say that there have been many references to fascinating research. Some literature as well. Of particular note as it rains and there is continuing news of rivers overflowing man devised controls in the daily news I am keenly aware from my shallows. I failed to connect the passage sans citation in my '71 HS yearbook as from Siddhartha. It is followed by my 1st published uncredited scrawling itself an odd renewed recollection of personal experience. I am certain there is a take-away. At the moment I just record.
I am only a ferryman, and it is my task to ferry people across the river. I have transported many, thousands; and to all of them, my river has been nothing but an obstacle on their travels. They traveled to seek money and business, and for weddings, and on pilgrimages, and the river was obstructing their path, and the ferryman's job was to get them quickly across that obstacle. But for some among thousands, a few, four or five, the river has stopped being an obstacle, they have heard its voice, they have listened to it, and the river has become sacred to them, as it has become sacred to me.


And each flake
Of snow
Intricately different
Yet not alone
Is carried on
By the wind
to the waiting ground
maybe to be plowed
forced in a mass
till death
maybe to be shaped into a man of snow with charcoal eyes
Maybe a single flake will melt into a world of its own
Each flake of snow intricately different yet not alone

...insert Henry David Thoreau here ...

You are you and I am I
If we meet it’s beautiful
If not
It’s because
You are you and I am I

I came in hope of finding a way to expand my own reflection, I have found a way to make it something more than what it was.

studioW -- free speech via the arts

December 10th 9 pm.

a skill, a tool, a risk

editing:a skill, a tool, a risk and maybe the cornerstone of my retirement. Yes I have decided. I have not slept. It is raining gently. Josiah is off to Burning Man in Nevada in a few hours. And I am heading toward wellness. 5:30 am and the dogs have been walked and fed. A skunk required us to take an alternate walking plan. Through the sleepless night I was smiling. In the light drizzle I sang out it is a beautiful morning. The rain is coming down harder now. Through the night I kept flashing on the good connections in our lives that made the TV station happen beyond expectations and knowing that in this success there is also the promise that we can do it for ourselves as well.

Today I edit my life. It is a risk. Maybe I will find my story.

Note: this line was removed from a document 2 nights ago that I was working on with a team of committed volunteers. It was a good session. The end product is more than the sum of its parts. Again I smile. It is nice to do.

Hugs are back,too.

ATT, Joe and Hope

I am finding my pattern of three as this blog evolves. The blog appears to be what rises to the top in the abundance of information in my life. Stuff that would otherwise be skimmed has the opportunity to be reviewed via deep dive.

Thank you PAUL JANENSCH for your comments on the upcoming convention - your commentary which included the question "Why is ATT sponsoring so many events at the Dem convention?" rises to my top three. As a local consumer advocate involved in cable, iptv and internet matters this question speaks volumes. In my opinion, this company has been political and less than consumer friendly in its colorfully architected media pursuit of market share. Since there is some talk that a democratic win would include the creation of a new and necessary cabinet position - a CTO ; part of the answer to the Professor News question may be found in examining what part of this policy would ATT want to influence?

My day started with more than a glimmer of hope.

Awareness of Joe Biden for me is much like these ideas that creep to the surface. I have a concern about my memory. I am trying to explore why certain items seem to remain crystal clear as emotional memories but shallow in detail and why certain ideas and experiences come to define me.

Ironically, I have an emotional memory of Joe Biden. The puzzling of pieces put my personal experience in 2001. I was traveling by train to Washington DC to attend an ACM National Conference. As I do whenever getting on public transportation; I was people watching. Someone on a cell phone caught my attention. This individual was conducting business that seemed to be important. I remember thinking whomever this is, is purposeful, assertive, and well-reasoned. I immediately felt a sense of trust and respect for this stranger. I had absolutely no idea what the topic was, or whom I was watching, but I felt protected. While watching various episodes of Road to the WhiteHouse on CSPAN I kept tapping into this emotional memory. I remember having an absurd thought that if I could only share this feeling I had with others in some visceral way; that he, Joe Biden, could be considered a more viable candidate by more voters. I can not make it visceral but I can share this as a serendip that means a more to me today.

So I put this post out into the world: It seems almost absurd but today I woke to news that gave me a new sense of Hope.

images, dandies, and tweets

Some images are come by accidentally. Some take on lives of their own. Most can fill-in the blanks of a story. Some images also need blanks filled in. I named this image: aftermath - wearing liberty. I took it at Ground Zero. Because I know it is Ground Zero - it speaks to me. Without knowing this, the picture is incomplete in its telling. Clarity takes many forms. Maybe this too is true of truth.

Sometimes information can saturate. Saturation can cloak memory. Lack of sleep can do the same. Together, too much input and too little sleep, form a haze of thought something like scrabble with an acute random connectedness. I often get to a point of saturation. Today it happened. I know I heard things of interest to me but my mind feeling intent upon this knowing - registered blank. Distractions fill in these blanks. Blogging with conviction becomes more difficult in the haze. (I am the generation of purple haze- Are You Experienced? not the generation of hazegame.)

Some distractions: Papa wants to know if I can Google backwards to find a word he can not spell. The word is bat poop. Last night I Googled radish-tops-eat and confirmed what he had wondered about for years: Yes radish tops can be eaten much the same way he eats dandelion greens or wild spinach. I did not take any real time from the day job to be with him, or to be good to me today. And last evening's sleep was again interrupted about 4 am with noises of raccoons in the kitchen. We have relocated 10 so this visit was not expected.

Another word that entered my sphere of distraction was tweet. A week ago I declared I had no awareness or knowledge of tweet as other than bird sounds. However, the Twitter social-networking message tweet is now in my purview: through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question you can be known between the lines. Tweet is the way I have overheard my children talk on the phone for years. I am not ready to go there. But I did discover If about the future... which from book to tbd; is a place for further exploration. It is the archival references to free spoken word ripe for my future visiting, that compel.

phrases of the day

When I allow other voices into my day, certain phrases bring me to a literal stop, to scribble down for later reflection. I feel some intuitive connection that could benefit me if mined. But mining is always tbd.

Technology places, a reference to the the instruments carried on the belts of the presidential candidates, connected to me to both my community access advocacy work and poetry team experiences. The word place evokes memories...there was the catch me in seminal times places of adolescence poetry tour and the public-people-place aspect of the community building project. Excerpt below:

‘Community Building’ is a process not a place. It requires the gathering of people in or through a public space. Participants share, listen and reflect. When used in the conduct of public business; community building is inclusive, collaborative, and representative of diverse voices. Based on a shared vision or problem it can be used to identify solutions, reach consensus, devise and implement strategies for resolution or change. It most often involves individual and collective actions of diverse peoples for a common good.

And then there is my virtual place of my work-at-home existence and the itch to just leave its physical confines after days of too little physical movement: when I exclaim I need to get out of this place.

Halo for Fear-a description by Barbara Walters of her work-life motivation struck a chord. As the primary bread winner/caretaker I could relate. I will look forward to her book Audition making it to Library shelves. I wondered is it truly different for women. I think so but it seems unfair to not see that the some self-employed men have similar stress.

Really productive serendipity

When I selected serendipity as one of my labels, the voices in my head said blogs can breed LIKEthink and this label will be a reminder that your intentions include making chance connections that could influence your destiny in actions or words. I do not associate or bond well. My people interaction is based on in-common stuff: work, certain interests, life circumstances. In this I am not alone. And in this in-common I do select bonding levels – most often shallow levels. I tend to focus on the tasks, prefer observation and often lead out of frustration. I have good friend qualities for emergencies but no one calls me just to chat. No one. To blog is to let the voices in my head chat and it kicks up the dust on dopamine the feel-good neurotransmitter. Maybe it will improve my conversational skills. There are bloggers I have come to enjoy thru their words (Amy) and actions (Jason). There are others that will be revealed as I work the RSS technology of this world.

But as these conversations occur I do notice that the in-common stuff among people can breed – good and bad. I was reminded in the overheard conversations about politics this week about in-common bad. I will connect an old essay here on this distraction at some point.

Callouts: This past week I had a small victory in the in-common world of Community Access TV and a moment of awkwardness in the in-common world of work. The victory: successfully getting clarification with DPUC docket 08-04-09. For more than a decade, some volunteers were being held hostage by power tactics that included fear of reprisals and threats of underwriting changes. Truth had a small victory. The awkwardness: a public description of me. While it shared that my values and skills have made a difference there was large irony in that few folks will ever have such a lens on my life and work again because of my failure at the basic art of sustained conversation.

evolving

Well I was not sure I would be remembering the momentary distraction word for today: but in passing it connected and was recallable. Am I evolving, too? Is this buzz word informing or reforming or self-involving? The term infers substantial change. This term reconnected me to something else I wanted to explore: Guerrilla Marketing and the idea of unintended consequences that I anticipate commenting on here after June 5th.

As a business analyst I have always been informed by errors, challenged by defects, and found that gaps suggest opportunities. Are these tools for evolution?

I need to evolve further the potential of FREEMAN PENNY QUINN, the 1st. I need to evolve further the toolkit for citizen journalists. I need to evolve further the daily practices that promote good health (yes I did walk Jake today!).

Evolution is a very busy thing but since it is nearly tomorrow I will need to get busy with it later... (but 1st a bedtime story about the other word of the day to which i can say I am often far from being gruntled ...unless of course, there is word play. nite cliffy)

Free Vs. Fee_at what cost

In a recent typo the word free became a serendip 'fee' and evolved into a statement of condition about news is our world.



That particular slurr of the fingers happened weeks ago and hung in draft. I am barely coherent in thought today. I am on vacation. My legs have more mileage on them, my forehead the tell tale signs of sun, my brain gets feed morsels of data about camofluage, desert life - - a sign declaring please touch connected me to the head dress of many horned mammels and the wool of the same... the details are not being retained. But I am sure they can be looked up if ever needed. The International Wildlife Museum provided this close to nature experience and the Arizona-Sonora Desert the other. Today will be American Indians and Copper and Architecture. Then Science.

Many ideas passed right through me... I did not take notes.

I did log in to the Internet for some citizen advocacy tasks. Maybe with these behind me I will be able to experience and retain. It is time to start the day away from my regular life.

lost & found about finding and loosing connections

(the drag of days -drafted on MLK day and reflecting back to 12.28.07)

I am living in an overwhelmed state of being with ‘must be done’ defined by an external locus of control.

This blog was undertaken, in part, to determine if I have the desire and capacity to engage in discovery and discourse? To put another way, Do I have the ability to independently think and reason and if so, does it or can it matter to achieving fulfillment in life? I am attracted to, and want to, understand and contribute to the ideals of an ‘open society’. But am I failing at this for so it seems? Or is it that failing is a fatal flaw in the construct of community engagement and consensus? How can global and local citizenship and arts and ideas and family matters and living healthy be made unworkable in the day today?

I have been distracted in very brief moments by the presentations of Ayaan Hirsiali and Irshad Manji, both impressive young women (CSPAN2). The presentations made me want time in my life to read Infidels and the Trouble with Islam, respectively, and to feel worthy of discourse with such nimble and noble minds. I was hearing that a missing skill set of our time is debate, decent, revise, reform.

I was in immediate agreement and pleased to hear the roots of Islam connected to inspire-innovate-create. But the telephone rang and my Diversity Day (MLK) was interrupted/derailed by an external locus of control.

Other distractions that got into my random scribble, the theme American Angels. A local Peter Gardella (Hamden, CT) with the theme of useful spirits in a material world ironically tied to a purchase I made during the holidays to support my imagination and a local artist. It is a large sun made of waste wood from Angel wings for other art pieces. I refer to it as a deconstructed Angel.

Forwarded an email string on puzzling (and art that inspired: This individual's compelling distraction found a place in the world of advertising. Magical, alluring, and uncanny. My reaction was to understand the pictures in the string and be informed about their roots. I always seem to want context even after being compelled to different zones by art.

Instinct, the nature of humanness, or peculiar to a personality type: too much to explore now as my day is being stolen by the day job once again. Connecting to that moment go here: Literally Finger Painting way cool in the moment of contact ---this link gives you more info about the artist and it is easier to send along to others...http://guidodaniele.com/

Words that Pass

Would that there be but one symbolic, functional word that could unlock all the connective tissue of our techno-being? But there are limits, rules, characters; not less than, not more than, must have, cannot include ... special memory questions. I have failed to define my favorite things to remember. I have failed to have favorites, goals, or a disciplined existence ... failure to form habits stresses me. Brings me to the brink of panic. 

I prefer a world with serendipitous connections full of pleasant, valuable, or useful discoveries. Defiance enters into my thoughts. I wish to  challenge traditions and  customs in a restless pursuit of a greater truth ... then my alarm rings, and the day must continue, one password at a time.