so where are we about to land...

Made some reconnections and the recipients seem pleased.  Made some new connections, hard to know if they will last. The dust bunnies have been gathered, bagged and prepared for the landfill.  The files have been pulled for refiling in notebooks.  The estate is nearly closed.  I took a bus for $1.30 to return home from New Haven.  It was full of humanity. Fuller than I had anticipated.

Many things have no certain conclusion --- there may be substantial change or more of the same...

Will I be ready for either? One thing I am sure of is that the dogs would prefer more of the same.

you never know where a day will lead to...

There is a gentle rain.  There is a pounding headache. There is a wonder why there has been such disturbance in the Universe. There is anticipation and dogs at my feet.

If compensated for work I would ...

One of the most challenging aspects of this past year is that as I became less able to write healthy checks,  I became more familiar with the works of the organizations I support financially. Within my new limits, I did continue to give. And I have been giving service in abundance.  This has put me in more direct contact with the service of others and more importantly the needs, in need.  I have not discarded the requests for donations and the stack of requests grows and the repeat requests are now coming, some for the 3rd or 4th time, and the phone calls are ever so frequent.

So where would a paycheck go? All those ongoing giving decisions would see a boost and some would become sustaining a.k.a. periodic contributions.   I would resume prior giving levels, or better than before my limited means. In some cases I could give directly. I also want to be supportive of the local giving model established by giveGreater so donations would pass through that portal, ideally during a matching campaign. 

The only new giving I started last year was with DonorsChoose.org. This program is well vetted and the young people are aware that contributions are made to their teacher's projects. I think this kind of giving creates an awareness in our youth that could be transformative.

The other financially aware decision I made this past year was to purchase local food.  I am now a member of 3 CSAs that are located in, or near, my hometown.  

What I have learned is that sustainability is a value and a goal. I do not need compensation to own this value  nor work toward this goal -- but it sure would be nice to be able to write more, and bigger charitable contribution checks.

Whose life am I living? Tone, Time, Taken

Thus far it has been a life of co-creation that has been tempered by the need to survive and inspired by a desire for the next generation to have more opportunity to thrive.  As such the determination of what I want to do has been suppressed nearly to the point of extinction.

Recent attempts at deciphering want have been clumpsy and misguided. Stripping down to the essentials is a process of elimination. So I am reminded that Edison and failed experiments and that failing is a method of elimination.  The Road Not Taken is a poem that always captured my imagination and comes into mind at every occasion with choices.  A poem can say so much but to what avail? However, I do return to some like a homing pigeon hungering for their genius.

I feel like I have lost a decade.  I have not felt a true sense of community in some time.  I physically tremble as I connect in what feels like memory hazes (unclear images overwhelmed by emotion). I tremble this same way when excitedly sharing a story or idea... but these tremors are too infrequent and, dare I say, feared. 

Enough yet-to-be self-awareness distraction. It is time to clear the desktop evidence of a mind allowed to stumlble, discover, wonder and cycle back to things that eventually must get done.