what day is it...

The question I ask, more accurately blurt out often,  is What day is it? 
Part of me feels there should not be a need to know; and then, there is the world of expectations and connections and schedules that make knowing a must.

I am no longer in a roll out of bed over to the in-house office mode. I am logged in much of the time - but I have not set up an on-line calendar nor effectively mastered the array of to-dos, meetings time et. al. as I determine my own life agenda.  Maybe I should re-establish an on-line calendar. Or, maybe I need a pattern of behavior that enables me to check each day and its *... because I am now on hold pending an explanation to a stranger about my lack of calendar management.  But I have had the most enjoyment in the loss of time, the meandering into new knowing and exploration of the talents and ideas of others. 

*What is the its of these days: accomplishments, tasks, metrics, lists monitoring what I ate, or weight not lost, or minutes not walked or water not drunk... yes it appears I have gotten into a slump of things missed ... so what have I done with my days? 

As I try to recall the last few weeks:  There was tax preparation and the failure of the filing key code and then the last year's filing discrepancy notice to be researched. There was sorting four bookcases of books to put like books together, and redistribute some to other, and to set aside a few for re-reading. There was making of a few digital artsy things with some new tools (some I nearly forgot I acquired.) There was lots of catching up on the filing of things save to desktop (always and indication of disorder). There was lots of exploring of content (I would need to look at all the new Favorites -- a list of my wanderings for clues about the what got my attention.) There were a few extended family tasks. Finding a dead raccoon in the backyard. Preping lots of pictures of Vermont and Gramps for the yet to be video.

And there was asking people to recommend me awkwardness.  Lots of jobs you may be interested in lists and recruiter inquiries and a resume, rebuild. I watched the AARP video on this topic after working my resume to determine a few disenchanting things. Another post for my thoughts on that topic.  But mostly watched this video like so many others to absorb what works and doesn't in the communication and the strength of the content. Pretty nice job.

The most major recent life change is trying to  take antihistamines daily again after nearly 5 years sans medication.  I think I have failed at daily because once the headaches pass I realize more than a day has also passed.  There are always up and down sides to medications; but anticipating employment outside of the home I felt a need to improve my tolerance for the smells of peopled places.

(Interrupt) No longer on hold. No explanation just business. The state employee has lots of people to process. I have that voice that is not easy to hear because of medication side-effect. I call it a cold. The challenged voice causes some customer service fatigue.  Then another On Hold ending with a confirmation that I can be conunted in the metrics of the sluggish economy again.

In conclusion, I wonder again about the duplicity of joy in the lack of accounted for time and the sense of loss or maybe worthlessness when I can not make a proper accounting of such time.  Will this be forever or will I get another corporate calendar or will I fully embrace the freedom to find what it is I am here for. 

a poem, a prayer (my soul to take)

Apocalyptic poem, lone wolves

I drive. I listen. I check the rear-view.
I listen. I drive through radio-talk.

I drift.
Once dormant notions ...lone wolves
rattle among insightful words, positively spoken, dividing.

I resemble a shiver. It is not cold. 

My eyes remain on the road ahead, underlying priorities, day-to-day. 
My essence releases into hyper drive; shaking off would be scribbles, listening. 

Notions like zombies do not drop from the sky.

radio-talk invokes guillotines, apocalypses and chaos
by intent, to prepare, not
for Jesus a second coming, but that of another 
doctrine of influence to millions.

I shiver.
Dug, deep memories. Dense chill.

Christ Have Mercy
I am without practice, but influenced. 

Others pray for God to hasten the hidden.  Imam, a community led.
No more enmity, hatred. No more conflict. Positively spoken, yet dividing
as wolves are fed.

I am tempted to pray for disbelief.
Why must I pray my soul to take?
I shiver.

~~~~

I drive, listen, check the rearview, listen…drive through radio talk. Once dormant notions rattle among insightful words, positively spoken, carried out of my seat I drive.

My eyes fix upon forward motion. 

I resemble a shiver when there is no cold. 

My inner voice rattles contending with release with priorities, day-to-day.

citizen philanthropist

For me giving decisions have become more considered because there is less bandwidth for cash contributions when not employed. Giving of time and talent actually puts you more in touch with the needs, and more likely to be asked, to give dollars. I did not factor this in satisfactorily in my early retire plan which is one reason why I want an encore position (a.k.a. post retirement career) or real job again; if the stars align.

But until that eventuality, I am being a citizen philanthropist through crowd sourced fundraising. My favorite project to date with a fundraising goal of $10,000 which reached $51,854 is a true story of light.

Last year much of my contributions were local via GiveGreater.org . This initiative out of CFGNH enabled me to get matched dollars for my chosen organizations -- ones I had historically supported like MastersManna and WPAA-TV.  I also helped local artists with a performance initiative via IndieGOGO and today I signed into DonorsChoose.org and found a local teacher whose garden project connects nicely to other volunteer efforts I am involved in - betterfood4all. And they tempted me with a matching contribution. If I became a monthly supporter for as little as $10 a month there would be another $50 given. I did enroll because I believe in the idea and hope to inform local teachers so that eventually my monthly support could be even more local than the next town over.

So this week I must thank Garry Trudeau and Jane Pauley whose passions have given mine more potential today and into the future.

Required to look for work - TBD

I work every day ... but currently not for pay. It has been enjoyable getting to learn new tools and handle the randomness that the world offers.

But I have been looking for a potential match of my experience and interests in the world of work; because it is a requirement and opportunity when you collect unemployment. I signed up today for a keyboarding class. As I tap these keys without skill I wonder if that can change. In 6th grade I was certain that typing was part of a larger plot to dehumanize us. And since we still were experiencing Cold War Civil Preparedness -- I assumed it had Cold War influences. Today preparedness has a different dimension ...and I just feel it is a personal inadequacy to connect my brain to my fingers that is at play. Anyway ... the no cost opportunity presented itself and I signed up. Now I must survive basic calendar skills and remember to go and become acquanted with moodle as well.

I also reconnected with the idea of tying all this new media experience and business analysis together to be an e-learning developer. Ironically, as I thought that this was indeed the path I was setting upon I reviewed a BA position referred to me but found a lower paying but much more interesting opportunity to apply to called Instructional Technologist at the same non-profit organization. For me this is conceptually a match -- but I must still be found by them and processed. I am excited about the prospect; but oddly even more excited about the potential of position to do work similar to what I have done in healthcare.  But in all these cases others must agree that there is a match. 

I am using this life requirement as an opportunity...which I think is my nature. The Instructional technologies position, lead me to reviewing the companies employees on LinkedIN which connected me to an e-learning Guild Group.  While it does require sifting thru all the self-promotion, it is exposure to a community of developers, their tools, where open courseware is being developed etc.  It reminded me that there is a world of good free distance learning available at MIT  
~~~
I have been getting nearly daily emails or calls(sometimes multiple inquiries per day) from my publically posted Resume. Very few are located within a distance I feel it is safe for me to drive. 4 years telecommuting has had its effects. I am generally less comfortable driving. In a few weeks I will post again and maybe then I will actually be typing, or at least learning to. TBD 2.1.12
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The Typing Tutorial software and Forms Design both arrived.  I installed the forms design software, a choice not surprising to me.  Anyway, another opportunity was discovered today which ties into the randomness of yesterday's best momments.  In addition to proudly watching the MiddleSchool Video Speeches I was very gratified to see the top 2 videos in the High School Broadcast Journalism Project (HSBJ) REALLY PSA contest. (winners here)  2.7.12